菁英站前英文补习│LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH 你应该知道有关爱情的三件事

常有人说爱情是人生中必修的课题；爱情可能有一百种不同样貌，但在其中负伤退场的也不在少数。然而每一次的受伤都是为了让我们在经验中学习、让我们能成为更好的人。因此，在这堂不断学习的人生课程里，我们也需要一些建议！今天就来听听一个著重自我发展与两性关系的美国作家Mark Manson要告诉我们关于爱情的三件事：

1. Love does not equal compatibility. 爱不等于适合

Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.
It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.
When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general.

当你爱上一个人，不代表他会是个长久的好伴侣，爱是感性层面；合适则是理性层面，两者未必能混为一谈。
我们有可能爱上对我们很差的人、让我们觉得自己很糟的人、不会尊重我们如同我们尊重他的人；或者是无法过好生活，逼迫我们也要和他们一起低落的人。
当我们在寻找男女朋友时，重要的是不要只用”心”去找，也要用脑。当然你希望找一个能让你心动的对象，但也要记得去评估一个人的价值观、他们平时如何对待自己及身边的人、他们的抱负和视野。

所谓love is blind就是在说此现象。爱情使我们盲目，当正值热恋期，每件事看起来都非常美好；然而热恋期过后，我们真正看到对方的缺点和无法容忍的部份时，争吵便开始了。那时的我们总不解究竟出了甚么错?两个人之间怎么会有这么多问题？
Mark manson这样回答: It went wrong before it even began.
他一直都是如此的，只是你选择忽略罢了。

2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. 爱无法解决问题

这一段作者举了自己恋爱的例子：在一段感情中曾不断为同一件事争执，却因为彼此的爱而坚持继续在一起；最后在分分合合不断的恶性循环中，浪费了更多时光，还是落入了分手的结局。
这段恋爱经验或许会让大家感到熟悉，我们总相信有爱就够了；但事实是问题本身仍然存在，两个人的差异也不会因此而消失。
所以，这些惨痛的经验告诉我们：
While love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.
爱只能让你在面对问题时感到好过一点，但它其实无法解决任何问题。

3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself.

爱不总是值得你去牺牲自己

One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.
But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

爱的其中一个特质是有能力去想到自己以外和自己的需求，去想到对方的需要。
但有一个问题却不常被提起：”你牺牲的东西是甚么？”以及”真的值得吗？”

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.
But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic.

在关系中，两个人偶尔牺牲自己的需要、时间和欲望是正常的，也有助于关系发展；但当我们牺牲自尊、身体、抱负和人生目标，只为了和对方在一起时，这样的爱成为了问题。

常有人说：You and your partner should be best friends.

我们应该对待情人像对待最好的朋友一般、我们花在情人身上的时间应该如同我们花在最好的朋友身上一般……

有趣的是，当问到容忍情人的底线会像容忍最好的朋友一样吗？大部分人却回答：不会。

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?
为甚么当你连最好的朋友也无法容忍时，你却还会忍受你的情人？

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.
But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.
We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

在人生的课堂中我们可以和各式各样的人恋爱，我们可以爱上对我们好的或对我们坏的；我们可以用健康的方式或不健康的方式去爱；我们可以在年轻或年老时恋爱，爱不是唯一。爱不特别。爱不是牺牲。
但你的自尊是。你信任人的能力和尊严也是。生命中可能会有很多段爱情，但一旦你失去你的自尊、信任的能力和尊严，就再也回不来了。
所以那些是我们不能牺牲的，因为我们一旦牺牲了那些东西，我们不但失去了爱，同时也失去了自己。

Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love
in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love. Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

Mark说，记得，唯一能让你享受爱情的方法就是，选择让别的事情在你的生命中比爱重要。因为你的人生需要除了爱以外的更多事物。爱很美好、爱很必须、爱很美丽。但只有爱，不够。

延伸阅读我爱你，除了"I love you."还能怎么说？