??Maserati Quattroporte Executive GT

五猩車評：瑪莎拉蒂總裁行政GT

Lets go tombstoning in carpet slippers

讓這個大傢伙飄起來

So tombstoning.It』s the latest craze and what you do is simple. You go to the seaside, climb the tallest cliff and without bothering to check the depth of the water, hurl yourself into the unknown. Then you go home in an ambulance and spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair,dribbling.

生活是如此地沉重，以至於你現在能做的最瘋狂的事情就是：跑到海邊，在不做任何的檢查和防護措施的情況下，試著攀登最高的懸崖，一不小心墜入海岸，最後被救護車帶回家，而你的餘生就只能癱在輪椅上流口水了。

I suppose one reason why people do this is because they have been brought up in a world with no danger. They have not been allowed to play conkers or climb trees, so everything they have ever experienced is safe and comfy. It stands to reason, then that jumping off Beach Head into 2 feet of water will be safe and comfy too

我猜測世界上之所以有瘋子做這些事，是因為他們的生活太過安逸，沒有危險，他們從來沒有試過玩火或者爬樹，所以自然地覺得這世上的一切體驗都不會有什麼問題，就算從懸崖上往2尺深的水裡跳也無妨。

The other reason is that the participants are young. And young people like discomfort, speed and adrenaline so much they are prepared to risk a lifetime of head wands and mashed food to get it.

Old people are the exact opposite. They like wingback chair and being warm. What I crave in my middle age is an empty diary. Page after page of nothing, Sometimes these days I get up and spend all day counting the minutes until I can go back to bed again. Sleeping is now my absolute favorite hobby.

還有一個很重要的原因就是：這幫作死的都是年輕人，小年輕們喜歡速度，刺激，愛折騰，願意冒著生命危險和極低的生活標準來達到目的。我們老年人則完全相反，喜歡在癱在靠背椅上對著火爐取暖。人到中年就渴望安寧，一日復一日的無所事事，有些時候我起床數著時間發獃直到我可以回去接著睡，誰也不能把我和床分開。

I still like going quickly of course，But only if I can sit down. It』s why I have no interest in making a parachute jump. You have to get off your seat and hurl yourself out of the door. That』s too much effort, especially as you could achieve much the same sensation by driving to work with your head out of the sunshine roof.

我依舊喜歡開快車，但是開車是坐著的，不像跳傘，多嚇人。你可以把自己從溫暖舒適的家中趕出去活動，但是對我來說太難了。而同樣的刺激，你可以通過在上班的路上把頭伸出天窗開車來得到，何必要折騰自己呢？

Then there』s white water rafting. Why would I want to do that? All that huffing and puffing. I』d rather eat a bar of Cadbury』s Fruit&Nut chocolate

然後就是激流划艇，我一輩子都不帶碰的，又累又危險，在家吃士力架看電影多好。

And what really annoys me is that car makers just don』t seem to have cottoned on, which means that just about every single expensive and desirable car on the market today is aimed at people who go tombstoning. And not people who sit in chairs all day dreaming of sleep and eating chocolate.

而讓我煩心的是，現在的汽車廠商不太明白這一點，不夠照顧中老年人，也就意味著目前市場上每輛昂貴而又誘人的汽車都面相那些有錢的年輕人，而不是我們這些每天窩在椅子里吃巧克力做白日夢的老頭子。

When a rich person—someone who could afford a Fezza or Lambo—is asked by an airline where he』d like to sit, he will say in first class where the seats are sumptuous and the wine is fine. He wont say is there any chance you could spread eagle me across the jet intake?

當一個富人——可以買得起一輛躍馬或者蠻牛的時候——如果要坐飛機，一定會選擇頭等艙，因為那裡有舒適的座椅和上好的紅酒。他不會想著去經濟艙，不會坐在機翼旁邊，更不會觀察高速運轉的噴氣式引擎。

I should make in plain at this point that I still like fast cars.I like them to telegraph their intentions through the fabric of my underpants.I like them to be crisp and responsive and loud and powerful.But I』m unusual.

我要先澄清一下，我仍舊喜歡好車，我喜歡它們用幾十種不同的姿勢弄濕我的內褲，我喜歡好車的乾脆利落和有力的反饋，以及它們充沛的性能和優美的聲線。不過我還是有我的堅持。

Most people are typified by my elderly friend Brian.He rarely exceeds 30 MPH.He is baffled by gearboxes. He often forgets what the steering wheel does.And as a result there is no pillar,post,pylon,hedge or low wall in all of southeast England that he hasn』t scraped hit of backed into.

大多數人開車就像我的老朋友Brian一樣，他很少超過30 MPH（48km/h），不太會掛擋，經常忘記怎麼轉向。於是，整個英國東南地區的所有馬路牙子，圍欄，草叢和女司機他幾乎都懟過。

If Brian were a benefit cheat or a shelf stacker all would be well.He could buy an automatic Kia Rio and trundle about 6 MPH,delirious with joy.But unfortunately Brian runs a successful business and is therefore in a position to spend lots on his cars.Which he does.And he hates every single one of them.

如果Brian是個平庸的普通人，他就可以去買一輛自動擋的起亞Rio，然後卡在車流里以龜速移動聽著廣播。但是不幸的是，Brian是一位非常成功的商人，這個職業允許他擁有很多豪車，但他很討厭這些豪車。

Since I』ve known him he』s had 2 Astons,2 supercharged Jags,a Porsche 911,a Fezza 360(Which he really really hated)and a Maserati.As I write he』s wating for the new Maserati Coupe and I feel fairly sure he will dislike this as well.A good reason for this.All these cars ride harshly and make lots of noise.

當我知道他擁有兩輛阿斯頓馬丁，兩輛機械增壓的捷豹，一輛保時捷911，一輛法拉利360（他真的很恨這輛車）和一輛瑪莎拉蒂。在我寫評測的時候他還在等他的新瑪莎拉蒂Coupe，我覺得他一定不會喜歡這輛車。原因很簡單，這些車都不太安靜而且坐起來真的太硬了。

They are designed for speed and handling and thrustiness.Things that Brian doesn』t want.Things that few people want once they past 50.And to be honest,you have to be past 50 to insure cars like this.

汽車廠商是為了速度、操控和刺激感而去設計這些跑車的，而這些是Brian不想要的。那些速度，操控等考量對於一個50歲的人來說已經不太重要了，但一般來說，也只有奮鬥了50年，你才能買得起這樣一台豪車。

Of course,there are exceptions.The Rolls Phantom for example,but it costs 250 grand pounds and by the time you have such money to spend on a car you will be 7000 years old

當然，也有例外。比如勞斯萊斯幻影，但是它的價格在25萬英鎊（約合人民幣220萬），如果你有這些錢，想必你已經7000歲了。

Then there』s the Bentley Continental.It』s fast expensive and unusually comfortable.But that』s because it』s a VW Phaeton underneath.

然後還有賓利歐陸，很快也很昂貴的一台車，但是非常舒適，因為這輛車骨子裡就是一輛輝騰。

Lambo Gallardo—not a lot of people know this—is available from the factory with a choice of 3 suspension settings.Sports Normal and Comfort.But I bet it isn』t comfortable at all.I bet it』s a relative thing:like having your head put in a vice is more comfortable than being shot in the back of the knee.

蘭博基尼蓋拉多——很少人知道這事——在出廠時可以提供3種懸掛設定：運動、正常和舒適。我很確定那輛車一點都不舒服，但是這是一種相對的關係：你說把頭放在老虎鉗上和膝蓋中一槍哪個更舒服一些呢？

So if you want to spend a lot of money on a comfortable car that』s not a VW in a Bento Frock,what about new Maserati Quattroporte Automatic?

所以，如果你想花一大筆錢在一輛舒適的車上，又不想把讓別人把自己的輝騰認成帕薩特。那麼，這輛全新的瑪莎拉蒂總裁又如何呢？

It』s lovely V8 is not squeezed to hand over as much power as possible.Without really trying it serves up 400BHP and that』s plenty.

這具可愛的V8引擎並沒有發揮出所有的潛力，幾乎沒怎麼壓榨就擁有400匹馬力，這樣就很足夠了。

And inside there』s no carbon fibre creaking noisily against magnesium struts.It』s leather and wood and opulence.It』s exactly the sort of place and older chap might want to sit after a hard day in a chair.

車廂里沒有碳纖維和高科技材料，布滿了皮革和原木，奢華是唯一的主題。這才是我們這些上年紀的老頭在椅子里坐一天之後想待的地方。

Unfortunately,when it first came along the Quattroporte was only available with a stupid flappy paddle gearbox.The worst most dim witted paddle shifter ever.And as a result the older generation,the people with the money to buy such cars refuse politely and go for a Merc.

可惜的是，當初期的總裁面世時僅提供序列式變速箱，那可以說是汽車歷史中最蠢的變速箱了，於是這幫老頭體驗過之後禮貌地回絕了瑪莎拉蒂，跑去買大奔了。

You might think it』d be easy,replacing the manual with an auto.But no.The manual was fitted at the back of the car forbetter weight distribution but the auto is up at the front,bolted to the back of the engine.That meant redesigning the whole floor,rear suspension and even the engine itself.It now has a wet sump

你可能覺得這很簡單，就換個自動變速箱嘛，但是從事實上看，總裁的序列式變速箱是被放置在車尾來保持更好的車身配重比，但是自動變速箱不一樣，它必須和引擎相連接放置在車頭，這也意味著重新設計整個底盤，後懸掛和引擎本身，它現在是濕式油底殼了。

But it was worth the effort,because now you sink into your Quattroporte,fire up the lazy V8 with a key—you are not expected to push a stupid button like you do in most expensive cars these days.And then you go home.Quietly and with no need to change gear.It all sounds too wonderful for words.

不過這些改變是值得的，因為現在當你再一次進入總裁，用鑰匙啟動那台懶散的V8（而不是捅一個傻了吧唧的按鈕來啟動，花這麼大價錢去買的是車不是玩具），然後你回家了，一路上安安靜靜不用換擋，聽著就舒服。

Then it gets better,because this car has such dignity:There』s a very real sense that no footballer would buy it.It』s a dashing car for people who think the only thing worse than a fake rolex is a real one. It really does have a sky high want one factor. And now it comes in a package that』s no harder to operate than a toaster

還有更好的呢，因為這輛車如此獨特，沒有足球運動員願意買它，對於那些仇富的人來說這輛總裁也足夠吸引人，它擁有所有人都想要的特徵，而且現在它操控起來不比一檯面包機難多少。

And oh,how I wish I could end here.But I』m afraid there are some problems.Some like the unfathomable sat nav, the broken air con and the scattergun switch arrangement are small,and you could get used to them.One howerver is big.The way it drives.

我多希望我能就此終止，但是我恐怕對於總裁還有一些問題要提：用不明白的導航，不太好使的空調和亂七八糟的按鍵，永遠找不到在哪裡而且鍵帽太小。但是這些都是小問題，最大的問題還是在於駕駛的感受。

It』s totally horrible.It frdgets whenever the road surface is anything other than millpond smooth.it crashes over bumps and it hunts camber so violently that once it flicked onto the wrong side of the road.

駕駛手感太差了，只要不是特別順滑的柏油路，這輛車就特別跳，對於路面的起伏太過敏感以至於有一次把車彈到對面車道上了。

Weirdly I didn』t notice this when I drove a manual Quattroporte and I can only presume that by removing the tube that connected the gearbox to the engine they』ve removed some of the car』s rigidity.Either that or the tyres are made from plywood

奇怪的是我在開序列式變速箱的總裁時沒這個感覺，我只能猜測在移動變速箱的同時這幫人順帶著把車底的哪根經也取走了，要麼就是這輛車的輪胎是拿木頭做的。

Whatever.They have removed one big problem and created another bigger one.

隨便吧，意呆的日常？解決一個大問題又惹出更麻煩的問題。

I wanted desperately to like this car.I even hung on to it for and extra day to see if my mind would change.But I couldn』t live with the problems.Not in a car that sheds value like it』s sitting in a bath of acid.And so if you are an old man who likes being comfortable,there』s still no expensive car that fits the bill.

我真的太喜歡這輛車，我甚至持續跟進這些問題等待解決來看看我的態度是否改變，但是我還是忍受不了這些問題，特別是這輛車貶值的速度比浴池裡的水乾的還要快。所以如果你上了年紀還想買一台舒適的車，市場里還是沒有一台足夠舒適的頂級轎車。

The only solution is to buy a Ford Mondeo and fit mink seats

唯一的辦法就是買一輛蒙迪歐然後交給修車廠好好包裝一下內飾，正解。

翻譯：GEARKNOBS字幕組—飄落的芹菜葉子????

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