[so I found this among the many random writings in my laptop. its just a sentimental 17 yr old worrying about college.. pretty funny to me now that I read it again. Just felt like sharing. letting a part of my past self go. so whoever reads this, please try not to judge- or laugh- too hard. LOL <-- I already did]

2012.

i guess i'm not entirely sure what this is yet. but i know its time to start. some things you have your whole life to figure out. but some, like this college thing. won't wait forever.  I figured if this were a reflection. i want it to be true at least. 

So. how do people start? do they have everything figured out? like really figured out? people my age, trying to capture their entire 17-ish years of existence in a 500 word essay- imagine that. Funny how that works. funny how this condensed version of me along with some number that don't really represent me will determine the next stop of my life. People are more than numbers and words. And i am sure you know that too. 

All my life i've been trying to please the world.

I just read my one of my friend's personal statement. all I have to say is that he is so much more than that mountain climbing experience he wrote about. so much more complicated than that GPA on his transcript (even though it was good).  

Be yourself. That was one of the most frequent suggestions I got when I got stuck writing my essay. See, the hardest part about that suggestion is figuring out who that "yourself" person is.  

This is me. Sometimes pessimist, occasional optimist. Quiet or shy or seems-interesting-but-ihave-no-clue-since-I-don't-really-know-her kind of person or crazy deep or crazy funny depending on who youre talking to. 

so what makes me me? 

I don't think i know why I even want to go to college yet. I mean, I know there's nothing else I can do if I don't go.

i am so flawed. i feel so useless most of the time. i am really shy and timid. according to most people, at least. since it takes me forever to warm up to people. what do people want from me? if life is all about connecting, about taking and giving… then what can I give? why do I want to give? what has this world given me? I don't even feel close to it yet. it is one of those things that you don't choose but end up finding yourself a part of. 

Choir was like that for me. (see I can give specific examples if I want too, i guess) If there wasn't that stupid requirement thing that I needed in order to graduate..will I have ended up in choir? Probably not. Don't get me wrong. you have no idea how much I love to sing. But that is one of those ironic things for me. I think running away from your passions are so much easier that facing them. see- when you don't do anything about your interests, you have a lot of space for imagination. You can imagine yourself becoming discovered one day, becoming famous, having your own concert and all the attention. all in that beautiful imaginary future. in time that passion dies eventually, like fire burning out. and you never need to know that you are not good enough. you never need to know that you didn't succeed. because you never tried. 

I learned that people do not emerge from everything victorious. that legendary phoenix is a lie—a harmful one because you fear success. anything is easier than success. imagining is easier than actually doing. 

And for that reason I have never dared attend choir. I pretended that I thought it was "lame" like the other kids did. 

My cousin, relatives on my mother's side especially, they have such different lives. i always think—what makes me so different from her? we are so similar, yet worlds apart—literally and metaphorically, i guess. 

I know what I want to do, how many people are actually doing what they really want to do? Stories about following dreams, and quotes that are meant to inspire always tells us to be the people we want to be, do what we want to do. but not everyone has the luck or the guts to break free. what makes me think that I do?

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