【託福寫作批改】（84）27分託福獨立寫作
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教書匠阿倫：阿倫老師TOEFL寫作/SAT寫作批改服務
阿倫老師#託福提分月計劃課程
教書匠阿倫：教書匠阿倫：託福提分月計劃課程
2018/8/26託福寫作真題
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Nowadays it is easier to maintain good health than it was in the past.
To enjoy a wonderful life, more and more people nowadays pay more attention to their health. Some people contend that staying healthy today is much easier than it was in the past. However, personally speaking, good health is more difficult to maintain today because of the faster life pace, environmental pollution and advancement of technology.
Faster life pace makes it almost impossible for people to spend their spare time in doing exercise, which definitely has a bad influence on their health. Especially in modern city, people tend to invest more time into their work rather than exercise. For example, when I was about ten years old, my hometown was still a little city where people love(d) to take a walk after dinner and spend their weekends in getting close to the nature. However, with the fast development of economy, more and more people in my hometown started to work in high buildings and their work time becomes longer and longer (語言囉嗦，替換成worked overtime to earn more money). They get up early, rush to work and finish jobs at late night. Many people now complain that they cannot even spare an hour per day to do things they like, let alone exercise. As a result, according to the official statistics, people in my hometown are becoming easier to get ill. It is obvious that faster life pace does make health more difficult to maintain.
Also, environmental pollution today is much more serious than it was in the past, which causes some serious illnesses to people. Pollutant released by factories and cars all contribute to peoples illnesses (避免重複，替換成poor health condition) such as cancer. Recently, I have read about an article in our local newspaper. In north-western China, the government of a small city built a lot of factories manufacturing paper in order to develop its economy, releasing a lot of toxic pollutant into the air. As a result, the weather there became quite weird. Only few years later, many citizens in that city were diagnosed to get (固定搭配with) lung cancer and other serious diseases. Without the more serious（替換成 worsening） environmental pollution, never will those people suffer from such diseases.
Last but not least, advancement of technology also contributes to the bad effect on our health. Nowadays, almost everything can be bought online including movie tickets, clothes and even meals. That makes a lot of people love to stay at home for a long time during their spare time, ordering whatever they want online and receiving those goods at home. Take my roommate as an example, who really loves to shop and order his meals online and never wants to go out, as he can always receive some discounts. However, such convenience makes him put on weight rapidly. The first time I saw him, he looked quite slim and healthy, but now he has been（固定搭配，替換成weighs） almost one hundred kilograms. He became really worried about it nowadays and even planned to find a doctor for some advice. If he had not spent so much on the Internet, he would not have such concerns.
In summary, people nowadays have more difficulties in maintaining health, as a result of the worse environmental condition and the faster life pace. Besides, even modern technology contributes to such bad effect.
有很多同學看到這篇文章會覺得它太平淡，沒有亮點，但這纔是對於大多數同學而言最實際的沖分方案。託福寫作考試先追求不犯錯，再追求能出彩。當然，這篇文章同學的語言確實不夠地道，有一些不合理的表達，讓他的文章很難拿到28+得分。
作文得分：
語言豐富度：4分
語言準確度：4分
結構完整性：5分
扣題和邏輯：4分
綜合評分：4.25分
作文等級：Good
卷面分數：27分
教書匠阿倫：TOEFL寫作批改合集【獨立寫作】
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