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回台湾三个月了，想念英国、想念欧洲的情绪，是一波一波的。最近我发现想念起的是，拥抱的感觉。

刚去英国时，我非常不会拥抱，而且非常不懂拥抱的时机和场合。有一次一对朋友送我到火车站，临行前太太先拥抱我，我心想公平起见应该夫妻俩都要拥抱，所以转向先生时我把双手张开，殊不知他是伸出右手要握手，我见状立刻收起左手、但他立刻把双臂敞开… 我们就尴尬地要握也不是要抱也不是的手忙脚乱了好一阵子，最后有点害羞，但我们还是抱了一下。

于是我问我的英国语言交换伙伴，到底什么时候应该要拥抱啊？他说，他通常习惯初次见面先握手，如果熟了，离开前再拥抱。但这都是很难说的，有些人会拥抱、有些人不会，这很难讲。

好吧，讲了跟没讲一样，于是我就每次在分别的时候密切观察对方有没有要抱我的意思，如果没有就算了。结果有一次有个朋友送我到车站时张开双臂，我也就跟他拥抱了一下，他放开之后摇摇头说：「不，娜塔莉，这样半调子的拥抱不算数，再试一次。」我心头一惊，原来拥抱还有被退货的！于是我们又抱了一次，正当我要放开的时候，他居然说：「用力抱紧~」然后我就被这大个子紧紧地抱到有点不知所措，但是也在这短短的几秒钟，感受到他真的很希望能传达给我一些言语中说不出的话。

有几个特别好的朋友，我们是见面和分别的时候都会拥抱。每一次拥抱都不一样，有时候抱得很紧很紧，久久不想放开；有一回朋友毕业了要回家，不知道下一次见面会是何时，我居然因为太怕舍不得的情绪会爆发，而只有轻轻抱一下就放，事后后悔不已，幸好后来还是有再碰上几次面，有好好补一个真实的拥抱。

拥抱可以传达千言万语，嘴巴上可能都是千篇一律的「你好吗」，但却可以在拥抱的时候感受到不同的关心，有时候是「委屈你了」、有时是「你还好吗？我好担心你！」、有时候是「我好想念你」、有时则是「我会好好的，你要保重」

每一个人的拥抱都不同，有些人抱起来跟熊一样厚实，有些人抱起来就像夕阳一样的温暖，有些人抱起来就像一口浓密的巧克力蛋糕一样会满心幸福滋味，有些人会用拥抱告诉你，他很在乎你。

我想念拥抱的感觉，我想念每一次拥抱时所接收到那无声的话语，我想念你们。

 

It’s been three months since I returned to Taiwan and the emotion towards Britain, Europe hits me like waves. Something I miss the most recently is, the hugs.

I was really bad at hugging people and was always confused by the timing for it during my early period in UK. Once a couple saw me off at the train station and the wife gave me a hug. I thought, to be fair, I should hug the husband as well. So I opened my arms but he reach out his right hand for a hand-shake. I quickly withdrew my left hand but then he opened his arms to me… The embarrassing situation last quite a while with us awkwardly switching between hugging and hand-shaking poses. Finally, a bit shy but we still had a nice hug.

I asked my British language exchange partner about the timing for hugging. He said, he usually shakes hands with people when they first meet and hug each other in good-bye when they know each other better. However, it’s really hard to say. Some people hug, some don’t. It’s hard to say.

Alright, didn’t help much. I trained myself to observe if people have the tendency to hug me in good-bye. If no, then never mind. Once, another friend saw me off to the station and opened his arms. Of course I hugged him. But he shook his head after released me, “No, Nathalie. This is just half-hug, doesn’t count. Try again.” What?! My hug was returned! So, we hugged again. This time, when I was about to let go, he said, “Squeeeeze~” And then I was totally squeezed by this big guy. I was a bit not-knowing what to do at first but then felt something deeply that he was trying to tell me beyond words in that few seconds.

I have some very good friends with whom we hug for hello and good-bye. Each hug is different. Some are very, very tight and seem never to be let go. Once a friend of mine graduated and was leaving for his hometown. I was so sad since nobody knows when we could meet again that I hold my emotion and only gave him a very light hug. That hug made me so regret. Thank god that we actually found another chance to meet and had a proper hug.

Hugs can convey thousands of words, even the most general greeting ‘How are you’ can be added with different meanings in hugs. Sometime it is, ‘Oh, dear. Poor you.’ Sometime it is, ‘Are you alright? I am so worrying about you!’ Sometime it is, ‘I miss you so much.’ Sometime it is, ‘Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. Take care.’

Each and every person has different hugs. Some people are as huge as bears. Some people are as warm as sunset. Some people are like a bite of chocolate cake that makes you feel so happy from the bottom of your heart. Some people tell you in their hugs, they care about you.

I miss the feeling of hugs. I miss every hug and the soundless words behind it. I miss you, my dear friends.