The Clarkson Review: Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio

猩式車評：阿爾法·羅密歐 Stelvio Quadrifoglio

A lunatic let loose among the sheep 羊圈裡的瘋子

In the olden days I would often walk round London, usually because I was coming back from the pub. Or because I was on my way to the pub and knew there was no point taking the car because I』d have to walk home afterwards. And then in the morning I』d have to walk to the police pound to give a gormless person in an armoured booth a hundred pounds to get my car back.

以前我總在倫敦散步，通常是在我從酒吧回來的時候，或者是我準備去酒吧的時候，因為我知道帶車沒必要，喝完酒還是得走回來。如果帶了車，第二天我還得走著去警察局，給一個全副武裝的呆瓜幾百大洋才能把我的車要回來。

And then there was the casino on Lower Sloane Street. It was run by an oily Frenchman called Roger and had just two card tables and one roulette wheel. I loved it in there, but afterwards I would have to walk home because I had not a single penny left for a taxi.

我常去的另一個地方就是斯隆街的小賭場。這個賭場是由一個油光滿面的法國佬羅傑管理的，裡面只有兩張賭桌和一個輪盤。我很喜歡在那裡賭兩把，但賭完之後我總會走路回家，因為我輸得口袋空空，連計程車都坐不起了。

As I said, I did a lot of walking back then, which is probably why I had a 28in waist. Coupled with a 38in inside leg, it made me look like a telegraph pole. I』m surprised a stalk never nested on me. Mind you, I had so much hair in those days, it looked as if one had.

所以以前的我走過很多路，以至於那時候的我腰圍只有21寸，大腿卻有28寸粗，這種體型讓我看起來活像個電線杆，我很好奇那時候為啥沒有鳥兒在我頭上搭窩。順便提醒你一句，那時候的我還是有頭髮的，看起來就像個鳥窩一樣。

Today, in an effort to have a 28in waist once more, I』m back on foot, using my legs wherever possible to get from A to B. It』s much more difficult than it was back then, mainly because I now weigh more than most moons, which means after a very short distance I get terrible backache. Also, I am stopped very often by someone who wants a selfie.

時至今日，為了讓21寸的腰重回吾身，我又開始走路了，用兩條腿從一個地方走到另一個地方。比起當初，現在的我走起路來困難了許多，主要是因為我現在的體重比大多數的小行星還要沉，這也意味著走了沒多久我的背就開始疼了。還有就是，我經常被粉絲攔下來合影。

This always takes an age, because they have to explain why they want one. 「I』ve just been on a hockey tour of Canada, and I met this guy in Toronto who had multiple sclerosis, and he had this old Honda he couldn』t use any more, so I borrowed it and I said that if I was ever ...」 And on and on and on it goes until I just want to jump under the next bus.

和粉絲合影太浪費時間了，因為他們總要和我解釋和我合影的原因。「我剛在加拿大經歷了一場冰球之旅，然後在多倫多遇見了一個有多發性硬化症的傢伙，他有一台老本田但現在開不了了，所以我問他借過來…」就這樣一直說下去，說得我都想跳到旁邊那台公交車的下面把自己壓死算了。

A word of advice. If you see me in the street, ask crisply and efficiently for a photograph. I will then tell you to off and we can both go about our business with minimal disruption.

所以，一條建議。如果你在街上看見我，乾脆的問我能不能合影，拍完我就和你說拜拜，這樣咱倆就能相安無事的繼續各自的生活。

The other problem with walking today is that there』s nothing much to look at. Back in the Eighties the streets would be filled with mid-engined Renault 5s and Alfa Romeo Alfasud Sprint Veloces. Then you had rear-drive Toyota Corolla rally cars and Supras and Mitsubishi Starions and even the odd BMW M5.

這年頭走路還有一個問題，就是街上實在是沒什麼好看的。回想上世紀80年代，街上到處都是中置引擎的雷諾5s，阿爾法·羅密歐的Sprint Veloces，後輪驅動的豐田卡羅拉拉力戰車和牛魔王Supra，三菱的Starions，你甚至還能看到少見的寶馬M5。

It was like walking through an art gallery, only there was a growling, buzzing, throbbing soundtrack as London wriggled itself free from the gnawing misery of Seventies socialism and embraced Margaret Thatcher』s vision of getting up, getting on and getting a Golf GTI.

這就像是穿過藝術館一樣美妙，只是多了些低沉、性感、震撼人心的動人聲浪，好似倫敦城在宣告自己已經從七十年代悲催的社會主義中掙脫出來，擁抱瑪格麗特·撒切爾設下的英國崛起的願景一樣，大家都在努力工作，渴望著一台高爾夫GTI。

Now, though, it』s just an endless parade of dreary SUVs. It』s my job to know what they all are, but on a walk yesterday I couldn』t name a single one. They were just grey shapes, like frogspawn.

然而，現如今，街上只有數不盡的沉悶SUV，我的工作需要讓我了解它們都是什麼玩意，但昨天這一趟走下來，那些SUV的名字我一個都叫不上。它們都是些一模一樣的灰色扁盒子，像蛙卵一樣難看。

Plainly this sort of car is what you』re all interested in these days, and that』s good news because the car I didn』t use very much the week before last, owing to my new walking habit, was the Peugeot 5008 Allure. It had a 1.5-litre engine, could go from 0 to 62mph in a certain length of time, ran on diesel and cost just shy of ￡30,000. In every way it』s just another SUV, except you don』t look through the steering wheel at the dials. You look over it. And if that』s what you want — if it』s what』s been missing from your life, a new way of mounting the steering wheel — then this is obviously the car for you.

不過，既然你們現在都喜歡這種車，那我有一條好消息。上上個星期有一輛車送過來讓我測，是標緻的5008 Allure，因為我最近開始走路，所以沒怎麼開。這台標緻有一具1.5升的引擎，零百加速鬼知道要多久，喝的還是柴油，價格只需三萬英鎊（約為27萬人民幣）。不管從哪個方面來看，這就是一台垃圾SUV，不過在5008里你不用從方向盤的間隙中看儀錶盤，它的方向盤在儀錶下方，所以你可以很直接地看到儀錶盤上的各個信息。如果這就是你想要的——如果這就是你的生活中缺失的東西，一個位置較高的新型儀錶盤——那這輛標緻將會是你的不二之選。

Eventually the Peugeot was taken away — and a few days later I noticed. The car that replaced it was another bloody SUV, but this one was an Alfa Romeo. And if anyone can make this sort of car interesting, Alfa can.

最終送走了標緻的我——幾天後才發現，換過來測試的另一輛車還是他媽的SUV，只不過這一次換成了阿爾法·羅密歐。如果說有哪個廠商能把SUV這種產物變得有趣，阿爾法必有一席之地。

It』s called the Stelvio, which means it』s been named after a famous bit of road that twists and turns its way up an Alp in Italy. I tried the diesel version last year and it was sort of all right, but this time Alfa sent the full-fat, 503-horsepower Quadrifoglio version.

這輛SUV叫Stelvio，它的名字來源於義大利阿爾卑斯山上一條扭轉曲折的山路，去年我開過它的柴油版，感覺還不錯。這一次阿爾法送來的是頂配的，503匹馬力的Quadrifoglio版本。

Now. I adore the engine in this car. It』s a twin-turbo Ferrari V8 with two cylinders lopped off, and it』s a masterpiece. Genuinely, an all-time great. If it were music, it would be Beethoven』s Fifth. If it were art, it would be Turner』s Rain, Steam and Speed — The Great Western Railway. If it were literature, it would be Karl Marlantes』s Matterhorn.

我很喜歡Stelvio Quadrifoglio上的這台引擎，它就是法拉利加利福尼亞上的那台雙渦輪V8引擎砍掉兩個氣缸的產物。這具引擎太棒了，可以說是歷史上最偉大的引擎之一。如果它是音樂，它應該會是貝多芬的《命運交響曲》，如果它是藝術，它應該會是約瑟夫·瑪羅德·威廉·透納的《雨，蒸汽和速度——西部大鐵路》，如果它是小說，它應該會是卡爾·馬蘭提斯的《美國人眼中最真實的的越南戰爭》。

It revs as if it』s held at idle by an elastic band that the throttle just snaps, and the noise it makes can curdle blood at 500 paces. You can use it to potter about, but that』d be like playing chopsticks on the organ in the Royal Albert Hall. This is an engine that wants you to open all the stops, all the time. But would it work in an SUV? That』s what I wanted to know.

在踩下Stelvio Quadrifoglio油門的一瞬間，轉速指針就像是被彈簧彈起來，飛速劃向表底，發出的聲浪震耳欲聾，百步之內如雷貫耳。你可以開著這輛車瞎逛，但這就像是拿著筷子在皇家阿爾伯特音樂廳演奏手風琴一樣，暴殄天物。這是一具你隨時隨地想要油門全開的引擎，但放在SUV上的它真的好使嗎？這就是我想知道的。

Well, to make sure the rest of the car — which is tall, because that』s what people need these days — doesn』t throw its arms in the air and panic when asked to deal with a volcanic burst of power, it』s all been tightened up. Really tightened. And then nailed down. And then fitted with tyres that have the give of steel. I』d like to say that despite all this the Stelvio copes very well with badly maintained urban roads. But it doesn』t. It rides like a racer.

為了確保除了引擎之外的其他部件——Stelvio很高，因為你們現在都喜歡踩高蹺的SUV——不會被加速度甩得到處都是，不會因火山噴發般的雄渾動力晃得嘎吱作響，整輛車都被加強束緊了。真的緊，釘得死死的，然後還裝上了比鋼鐵直男還硬氣的輪胎，我本想說Stelvio在鋪裝不好的城市道路上能夠輕鬆應對，但事實就是它做不到，它的舒適性和賽車差不多，坐起來真的不舒服。

Which is what it is. It has a carbon-fibre prop shaft, and most of the time all the power is fed to the rear wheels. Alfa says when they lose grip, power is sent immediately to the front, but as I exited one roundabout on full opposite lock, I can testify to the fact that Alfa』s idea of 「immediately」 and mine are a bit different.

這就是Stelvio。它有碳纖維材質的傳動軸，而且大多數時間引擎的動力都會輸送到後輪。阿爾法說當Stelvio抓地力缺失時，動力會立馬傳到前軸。但根據我出環島的時候滿打的那一把反方向修正來看（車屁股甩出去了），我覺得阿爾法的技術人員眼中的「立馬」和我的「立馬」還是有點差距的。

A friend of mine actually bought one of these cars last month and texted me after a few days to say: 「This thing is mad.」 He』s right. It is. Hilariously, mind-bogglingly insane. Imagine a harbour tug with three Lamborghini V12s. It』s that.

我的一個朋友上個月真的買了一台Stelvio Quadrifoglio，幾天後給我發消息說：「這玩意太瘋狂了。」他說的沒錯，Stelvio就是一台瘋狂的，毫無節制的，一路火星帶閃電的大瘋車。想像一下搭載三台蘭博基尼V12引擎的港口拖船，Stelvio的瘋狂程度和它差不多。

There are a lot of fast SUVs on offer at the moment. There』s the Lamborghini Urus and the Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk and the Audi SQ7, but nothing is quite as swivel-eyed as this Stelvio. And as a result it』s easily the most exciting SUV out there. Which is a bit like saying Proteus syndrome is easily the most exciting disfiguring disease.

這年頭，市面上有不少性能型SUV可供選擇，比如蘭博基尼Urus，吉普的大切諾基Trackhawk和奧迪SQ7,，但它們都遠不如Stelvio Quadrifoglio這樣瘋狂。結果就是，Stelvio毫無疑問地成為了市面上最刺激的SUV，這就有點像在說變形綜合症是所有讓容貌變化的病症里讓人變得最丑的一種病。

There are some other issues too. When you zoom the sat nav in to see individual streets, it goes into what I call 「moron mode」 and swivels round when you turn a corner. I hate that and there』s nothing you can do to stop it. And while the carbon-fibre seats are cool, the seatbelt buckles rattle against them all the time. You can』t even fit a towbar because of the complex exhaust system. Mind you, not being able to tow a caravan is probably a good thing.

當然，Stelvio也有很多問題。當你放大導航想去看具體的街道時，它就會進入所謂的「白痴模式」，每次轉彎地圖都轉來轉去的。我是真的不喜歡這種設定，結果還沒法改。碳纖維座椅看起來很酷，但上面安全帶扣子一直在晃。你甚至找不到Stelvio的拖車桿，因為它搭載的那套排氣系統太過複雜。不過說回來，加不了拖車可不是什麼壞事。

This car, then, is exactly what you』d expect from Alfa Romeo. Its best brains fitted a truly magnificent engine, and then the factory cleaning staff were left to make everything else.

Stelvio這輛車，擁有你希望在阿爾法·羅密歐上看到的所有元素，

I love this sort of thing. I love Alfas because there are bits of them that don』t work. But you almost certainly will find this infuriating.

我愛阿爾法這些神奇的元素。我愛它們是因為阿爾法·羅密歐多多少少都有一些不正常的地方，而你肯定會在某一天帶著滿腔怒氣地發現這些問題。

I could suggest you buy the Giulia Quadrifoglio saloon, because it』s far superior as an actual car. But you don』t want a saloon. You want an SUV, because you are a sheep. So go on, then. Buy an Audi Q5 instead. Be a dullard. See if I care.

所以，我建議你買一輛四門版的Giulia Quadrifoglio，因為它作為一輛轎車來說它真的是美妙絕倫。但如果你不想要一台轎車，而是一台SUV，換句話說，你就是一隻只會吃草的羊。別買Stelvio了，去買你的奧迪Q5吧，呆瓜，我懶得理你。

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